


The Adventures of Mr. Morgan's Son

by Glen_Coco



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gods & Goddesses, Fluff, Gen, Humor, M/M, Sympathetic Deceit, endgame DLAMP, i'll update the tags as i go along, individual trigger warnings before each chapter, its gonna be a slowburn though, mention of religion but its not a big focus, mostly - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-18
Updated: 2019-08-11
Packaged: 2020-06-30 11:14:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19852000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Glen_Coco/pseuds/Glen_Coco
Summary: Patton sat on the couch, baby in his lap. The child reached his hand for Patton’s. Patton rested his hand against the child’s. The baby’s hand was smaller than his palm.The baby babbled again and Patton rocked him, lifting him closer to his heart. “It’s okay kiddo, Papa Patton’s got you now. We’re gonna take good care of you, just you see.”When Patton wanders onto an abandoned human baby, his heart refuses to let him walk away. Although raising a child is tough, especially when one is a god, Patton manages to rope his friends and even his enemies into agreeing to help give this baby a chance. Although as his son grows and grows, Patton slowly realizes that parenthood is harder than he thought - but at least he has his friends to help him out.





	1. A God Discovers Something Strange in an Alleyway

**Author's Note:**

> ⚠️ mentions of religion ⚠️

On Heaven Drive, in one beige apartment building, a remarkable thing was happening.

It was happening not on the first floor, not on the second, but on the third floor, apartment number 7-JC, just inside the living room, for there, on an unobtrusive brown couch, lay a tiny human child.

The one who lived in the apartment, who had taken the name of Patton Morgan, was in a considerable state of distress over this development. For you see, Patton couldn’t have children. Not biologically, and not entirely legally. But he was not the type to leave a helpless child in an alleyway either, so henceforth this child was couched in his couch.

Mr. Morgan was pacing in circles around the couch, looking at the child all the while. He wasn’t crying - instead he was watching Patton with large muddy eyes, one hand reaching towards him. He let out a baby babble. Patton melted at the sight. 

“Oh you sweet little baby,” he cooed, reaching for the child, but then he remembered himself. “Oh! No!” He shook his head, scolding himself. “What to do, what to do…”

He arrived at the conclusion that he simply couldn’t do this alone. Sticking his head out the apartment door, he speedily called to his neighbors.

“Roman! Logan!” he whisper-yelled. There was no response, so he called out again, and, again, neither showed. Muttering under his breath, Patton closed the door and quickly went into his closet, grabbing a pastel blue blanket and swaddled the child in it. The baby seemed to like it and reached for Patton, giggling a bit. Patton smiled at the child, tucking him closer to his chest, and then stole out the door and to Roman’s apartment.

He knocked, one two three. “Roman!” he whispered. He knocked again. And again. And again. And -

“I do NOT - oh, padre! I thought you were those Maiden Scouts trying to sell me those absolutely - oh, do come in then!” Roman remarked as Patton shoved past him and into his apartment. Roman closed the door and turned to look at the man, taking in his harried face.

“I’m sorry Ro, it’s just that I needed to get inside before someone noticed!”

“Noticed what? Pat - what are you holding?” Roman pointed a suspicious finger at the blanket.

Patton took a deep breath. “I’m going to show you in a second, Roman, but I need you to promise not to freak out, okay?”

“Why would I freak out Pat? I’m a prince! A knight! Knights don’t ‘freak out.’”

“Promise me Roman!”

Roman put his hands up at Patton’s urgent tone. “Okay, okay, I promise. Now what’s got you so twisted up?”

Patton sighed, and then lowered the bundle in his arms to reveal the baby’s face.

Roman let out a high pitched, girlish scream.

“Roman!” Patton yelled, scrambling towards him and clamping one hand over his mouth. “You promised you wouldn’t freak out!”

Roman looked at him with wide, terrified eyes. He grabbed Patton’s hand from his mouth and pulled it down. “Is that,” he whispered, “a baby? A human baby?”

Patton smiled sheepishly and nodded.

“Patton! Where did you get a HUMAN baby?”

“Keep your voice down! He might start crying.”

Roman made direct eye contact with the child. It looked at him calmly, one hand resting on its face. It babbled.

“Ah!” Roman yelped and jumped in the air, scurrying to the other side of the room. “Patton - you know we aren’t allowed those! How did it even get here!”

“I don’t know! I just found him in an alley on my way back from work and, well, I couldn’t just leave him there! But can you do me a favor and go get Logan? I don’t want to go back into the hallway.”

Roman scoffed and crossed his arms. “You want to get Logan? That stick in the mud would turn you in in a second! Oh Walt Disney, he would turn me in in a second! I wouldn’t do good in jail Pat, I’m far too beautiful.” 

Patton shook his head. “No he wouldn’t Ro, I trust Logan.”

“No offense Pat, but you don’t know that. I mean, you only see the best in people! The Logan I know would toss us to the pigs!”

Patton gave him a stern look. “Roman,” he said, “go get Logan. I trust him. He wouldn’t turn us in. Now go!” He made a shooing gesture.

Roman clenched his jaw, looked from the door to Patton to the baby and sighed. “Fine!” And he rushed out the apartment.

Patton sat on the couch, baby in his lap. The child reached his hand for Patton’s. Patton rested his hand against the child’s. The baby’s hand was smaller than his palm. 

The baby babbled again and Patton rocked him, lifting him closer to his heart. “It’s okay kiddo, Papa Patton’s got you now. We’re gonna take good care of you, just you see.”

The baby seemed to like that reassurance, because he actually closed his eyes. A few more minutes and he was sleeping. Patton smiled down at him, some newfound joy bubbling in his heart. 

The door opened, two sets of feet entering the room before the door was closed.

“Alright Patton, what is this urgent manner that absolutely couldn’t wait? Roman here figuratively stormed my apartment.”

“It is urgent, you government lackey! And I can’t wait to see your face when you realize I was entirely right to rush you.”

“Oh, I am certain you were not right at all.”

Patton could here Roman’s retort bubbling up inside him before it even hit the air. “Well, one could say the amount of mistakes you’ve made is infinitesimal!”

“I-”

“Shh!” Patton hushed. “He’s sleeping.” And he showed Logan the baby.

“Oh Einstein!” Logan flinched back. “Don’t - oh Patton, tell me that isn’t what I think it is?”

“A human baby?” Patton answered.

“Ha! Told you I was right,” Roman gloated.

Logan ignored him. “Patton,” he said slowly. “Where did you acquire a human infant?”

“Oh, an alley.”

“An - alright, this is easily fixed. Let’s just go back,” he clasped his hands together, “and leave it there. I’m sure whoever dropped it there will come back.”

Roman rolled his eyes. “Yeah, because when you leave a baby in an alleyway you come back for it.”

“It’s possible.”

“No!” Roman said. “It’s not!”

“We are not leaving him in alley.” Patton took a deep breath, only having eyes for the baby. “I’m keeping him.”

The four had gathered around Roman’s dining table, each sipping a cup of Logan’s tea that he had brought over after Patton’s revelation. Patton was still holding the child in his arms, much to Logan’s protestations.

“Patton,” Logan sighed, “do I need to go over all the reasons why this is, and I cannot stress this enough, a horrible idea?”

“I know why-”

“Do you? Because if you did you would not be even entertaining the notion of keeping this human infant!”

“Oh just give him your reasons, nerd.”

Logan glared at Roman. Then he straightened his tie and sat even straighter. “Firstly, Patton,” he began, placing his folded hands on the table, “it is illegal for you to keep a human child. The punishment is losing custody of the child and imprisonment for five or more years for you as well as your conspirators, which, at this point, include both Roman and I.”

Roman nodded eagerly. “I won’t do well in prison,” he repeated, gesturing to his handsome face.

Logan gave him a side-eye. “Yes. Moving on,” he looked back to Patton, who was gazing at the sleeping child. “May I remind you Patton, we are gods. We live in the godly realm. You yourself are a god of morality, Roman is a god of creativity -”

“Creation!”

Logan ignored Roman. “And I am a god of logic. We have never had direct contact with the human world - yours and Roman’s work does affect it significantly, but none of us have ever set foot in the human realm. We have no knowledge on how to care for a child! And even if we did keep it, what would we do with it? There are no schools for it here. If we were to put it through human school, we would have to be authorized to open a portal to the human realm every weekday! Which would require extensive paperwork, not to mention choosing a spot in the human realm that humans wouldn’t pay attention to if a child were to suddenly appear -”

“See?” Roman butted in. “It’s a bad idea Pat. I mean, the paperwork! The realm! The schools! How do you even take care of it anyway?”

“With love,” Patton cooed. Roman and Logan exchanged a look of tired dread and fondness for Patton. “Well, couldn’t you teach him Lo?” Patton asked.

Logan shook his head. “I don’t have time for that.”

Patton sighed. “He was abandoned here, guys! Just left! How did he even get here anyway? Maybe he’s a demigod!”

“Those have been banned for centuries, Patton. I don’t know where this infant came from, but it is certainly not a demigod.”

“Oh because no one would even consider breaking the rules,” Roman scoffed. Logan shot him a look and opened his mouth to say something inflammatory. Patton said something before things could escalate between them.

“Well maybe it’s a test! From the Big G, you know?”

“The big - you mean the theoretical Almighty?”

“Yeah! Maybe He sent me this child.”

Logan shook his head. “Patton, I know you are a god of Catholic morality, but there is no proof that a ‘Big G’ exists. We must focus on what we do know, which is that a human child is illegal.”

“So we drop him back in the alley?” Patton asked. “No. I won’t let that happen.” Patton stood up. “I’m going to keep this child. You can tell your supervisor if you want to, Logan, but I’m not abandoning him.”

Roman gaped, looking from Logan’s shocked look to Patton’s determined face. He sighed and stood. “Fine,” he groaned. “I’m with Patton. Even though the kid’ll be a lot of work, he’s right.” Roman shrugged. “We can’t just abandon him. It’s not the… princely thing to do.”

Logan’s eyes flicked between all three of them. He sighed. “I will have no part of this.” He stood as well. “I will not alert the authorities on your keeping of the child, Patton, but I will not help you either. If you get caught, do me a favor - don’t incriminate me.”

Roman scoffed. “Of course you wouldn’t bother to do the right thing. After all, it’s not _logical,_ is it?”

“Excuse me, I am a god of logic. What would you have me do, galavant to the Imagination to create falsities or engage in one of those professional make-believe productions?”

“Theater? You mean theater?”

“Is that what you call it? Then yes, I mean theater.”

“Enough!” Patton glared at them. “You’re waking up the kiddo.”

Indeed, the baby was looking around, frowning at the sudden loud noises. He opened his mouth and began to wail.

Roman flinched and covered his ears. “Shut it up shut it up shut it up!” he squealed.

“I’m trying!” Patton bounced the baby, shushing it as gently as he could. “Go to sleep, go to sleep, don’t get the neighbors, or Papa Patton’s gonna be arrested and spend five years in jail,” he sang.

“Prison, actually,” Logan corrected, staring down at the child distastefully.

“Not helping!” Roman hissed. Logan did some dismissive gesture.

“Okay, okay,” Patton said. “Roman, can you conjure up some milk or something?”

“I mean I could try, I don’t think that I can actually make edible materials -”  


“That’s all we need! Here, Logan -” and Patton was stretching across the table and giving the baby to Logan. “- hold him while I go to my apartment. I’ll be right back!”

“I - uh - Patton!” Logan whispered, suddenly holding a crying baby. But the door was already shut and now Roman was researching baby formulas and Patton was gone.

“Okay, okay, um, hush now, infant.” Logan looked down at the baby, a pained frown on his face. “What - um - alright - Roman!” Logan whispered.

Roman didn’t look up. “Kind of busy Calculator Watch!”

“What do babies like?”

Roman waved a hand dismissively. “I don’t know, sock puppet productions? Oh, singing! I’ve read that children like songs!”

“Roman, I don’t sing!”

“Well think of something! Now excuse me, I am making BABY FORMULA!”

Logan cursed, then looked down at the distressed child. “Don’t repeat that to Patton,” he told him. “Alright, singing. Songs. Harmonies. Melodies. Oh, yes!” An idea struck, and Logan turned his attention back to the baby. “There’s hydrogen and helium, then lithium, beryllium, boron, carbon everywhere…”

As he progressed further in his tune, the baby began to quiet. It stared up at Logan with… oh, so that is where humans derived the phrase ‘child-like wonder.’ By the time Logan reached ununoctium, the child was entirely quiet, tucked against Logan’s chest. Logan smiled down at him.

“Good job, Lo.” Patton had reappeared, holding a stuffed Pooh Bear. “You’re really good with him.”

“It was Roman’s suggestion,” Logan said, trying to remain cool and dignified despite the contented child in his arms undercutting his usual presence.

“Who knew our Logan could sing?” Roman said, arms full of baby bottles. “I mean, it’s nothing compared to me, but still.” He nodded his head in respect towards Logan. “Not bad. Nerdy, but not bad.”

“Here you go kiddo.” Patton gave the child Pooh, and smiled as it was instantly snuggled by the baby. Logan tried to offer the baby to Patton, but Patton stopped him and shook his head and stood next to Logan. “No, he’s comfortable where he is.”

“What was that you were saying about staying out of it?” Roman asked Logan with a smirk.

Logan glared at him, but it didn’t have any actual heat. He sighed. “I… might have an idea as to how we can keep him, legally speaking. But it would require more than the three of us, and quite a lot of favors. We would need several gods to sign on to our plan and assume responsibility of the child.”

“Well I know a few who would help!” Patton offered.

Roman shifted his weight. “I mean… I might know a guy… but he’s not exactly… nice.”

“That’s alright. Their role would be auxiliary. We would be the ones actually looking after the child. The others would simply vouch for him.”

“And this’ll work?” Patton asked.

Logan considered for a moment, then nodded. “I believe it would. Besides, it is a much better plan than keeping the child illegally and risking discovery. Roman was right; he wouldn’t do well in prison.” Roman nodded vigorously and gestured to his face again.

The baby did another one of his babblings, Roman coming to stand next to Logan on the other side. “You know, he’s actually quite cute.”

“Indeed. You are cute, infant,” Logan informed the child.

Roman stared at Logan. “Yeah Pat, we need a name for him.”

“Oh! Yeah! I was thinking… what about Thomas?”

“Oh, like Thomas Hardy?”

“No, for Thomas Jefferson, obviously.”

“No, sillies! Thomas for Thomas! The only person who he needs to live up to is himself.”

The three exchanged a satisfied look. “Thomas,” Roman said.

Logan nodded. “Thomas,” he agreed.

Patton smiled down at the baby. “Hey Thomas.”


	2. A God Endures Several Crises, Including One of the Homosexual Variety

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roman has a gay crisis.  
> ⚠️ royality ⚠️

“You quit your job?!” 

Logan was choking on his coffee at the dining table, trying not to spill on his very important confidential files. Roman was sitting on the floor with Patton, playing with Thomas at Thomas as Patton held him up.

“Someone needs to be home with the baby,” Patton explained, eyes so perfectly wide and innocent. Roman thought they were cuter than the baby’s, but he might be biased.

“But - your income,” Logan spluttered. “How are you going to keep your apartment?”

“I’m moving in with him,” Roman explained. “Peekaboo!” Thomas giggled as Roman removed his hands from his face.

“You’re - why do you two never consult me on these things? First the infant, then the shopping spree -” he gestured to Patton’s - and now Roman’s - apartment, which was filled with baby gates and toys and too many blankets. “- which you bought in the human world, might I add, and now this! You two are incorrigible.”

“We told you about Thomas! You were the third to know,” Roman protested.

Logan shook his head. “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

Roman watched as Patton turned Thomas around to face him, smiling so beautifully. Roman was transfixed. “Yeah.”

“Do you have his lunch?!”

“Yep! And I have the keys!”

“Do you have his backpack?”

“Yes!”

“It has his blankey in it right - you know how he feels about the blankey!”

“I have the blankey, and the monkey, and the lunch, backpack, keys -” Patton was counting off everything on his fingers as Roman rushed around, curly hair frizzing from stress. He looked positively frazzled, how could he let Patton see him like this?

“- and I read the book Logan gave me on human mannerisms, so I should blend right in with the other parents!”

“You actually read that?”

“Well of course!” Patton straightened his glasses. He was adorable.

Roman blushed. “And you’re sure you have everything?”

Patton looked at him fondly. “Do you want me to go over the list again, hon?”

“N-no!” Great Wizard of Oz, this god would be the death of him. Roman handed Patton a scarf. “Just take this - it might be cold.”

Patton wrapped the scarf around his neck, slinging Thomas’s backpack over his shoulder, holding his lunch in one hand. “Thank you Ro!”

“No problem padre. Now when you drop him off, don’t forget to tell him I love him, and give him kisses from me. And Logan too!”

“Of course! Now I’ve got to go, we don’t want to be late for our first day of kindergarten!” Patton kissed Roman on the cheek, effectively short-circuiting him, then was out the door with a little thud. Roman stared after him dreamily.

Thomas hobbled out of his room from the hallway, dressed smartly in a pink shirt and some nice pants Roman picked out for him. Roman shifted his gaze to his son.

“He sure is something, isn’t he Thomas?” Roman sighed. He felt like a princess.

Wait.

“Thomas!” Roman squeaked. He quickly ran over to him and picked him up, placing him on his hip. At the same moment, Patton burst in.

“I FORGOT THOMAS!” he yelled.

“YOU FORGOT THOMAS!” Roman replied.

Roman walked over to where Patton waited at the door. “I was just so nervous for his first day I just forgot him! I was in the elevator when I remembered - oh thank goodness I hadn’t gone through the portal yet!”

“Well, you have him now -” Roman transferred Thomas to Patton. “- and this will make a lovely story to tell, won’t it? Now have a good day at school Thomas,” Roman kissed Thomas’ head. “And you too, Mr. Morgan.” And then Roman kissed Patton. On the lips. In front of the kid.

Oh my gods.

“We will!” Patton waved him goodbye and then was out the door, like nothing happened. Roman stared after him, his ears heating up, then his cheeks, then his entire face, until he was more tomato than god.

Patton was home by the time Roman returned from work, sweaty and a small cut on his arm from when a particular creation got too feisty. Thomas was home too, eating what Roman thought was what humans called apple-sauce, not focused on either of them.

Everything was normal. Very normal.

What was going on?

“Hey Pat!” Roman greeted, mustering a calm smile. Pat smiled back.

“Hey Roman! How was work?”

“Oh, the usual. I dueled a Spartan today.”

“Oh that sounds exciting!” Patton walked to Roman, blue eyes shining like the sky. “Did you win?”

“Of course padre! I could never lose when I have such a beautiful life to come home to.”

Patton giggled. Did he not realize Roman was flirting with him? What was going on?

“Oh my goodness! He cut you?” Patton motioned to the wound on Roman’s arm.

“Oh, uh, yeah, he was a particularly nasty fellow but - oh, slow down puffball, it’s just a cut!” Patton lugged Roman to the couch by the sleeve of his prince outfit and set him down before retrieving a first aid kit from a cabinet. Roman frowned. “Pat, you don’t actually have to do this, it’s really a minor cut, you know it can’t kill me -”

“Shut up and let me take care of you,” Patton ordered. Roman did so with a blush.

There was a wet rag Patton had brought and he was dabbing it on the cut. Roman was doing his best not to squirm, but he really felt like pouting. Is this what humans do every time they got a boo-boo? How tedious.

“There.” A Hello Kitty band-aid was applied and Patton smiled at Roman, making him glad he was sitting on the couch because he felt weak in the knees. “All better.”

Roman smiled and nodded.

“You can talk now,” Patton told him.

“Oh thank goodness if I had to be quiet for one more minute I might have gone insane! And you know that would not be a good look on me. I’d look like a trash goblin! And thank you for the band-aid Patton, I do love Hello Kitty, though I must disagree with her creators. She is a cat, Patton, not a human girl, no matter what they say! In some cases it’s just Death to the Author, you know? But anyway, enough about all that, tell me about Thomas’ first day at school.”

“Oh I think it went really well!” Patton sat beside Roman on the couch. “I met the other parents and they seemed really nice, but they wanted to swap phone numbers and that’s when I realized we don’t have a number we can give them! So I told them that we live in a shack on a lake like Harry Potter did in the first book and we don’t get cell reception, which I think they bought. And when I picked Thomas up he seemed so happy! He even told me that he had made a friend named Joan, which I just think is absolutely darling.”

“I can’t believe our little boy is making friends already! He is truly the best of the bunch. We should meet this Joan, you know.”

Patton giggled, shaking his head. “He only just met the kiddo today though!”

“It’s never too early to make a good impression! If this child is going to be in our son’s life, I want to meet them.”

Patton laughed, teeth shining. “Okay, you know what, I do too. Let’s talk to Logan about it and then I’ll see what I can do.”

“Oh fabulous! You truly are the best.”

“Well you’re bester,” Patton said, leaning in to rub his nose against Roman’s. The two gazed into each other’s eyes, interrupted only by Thomas beginning to cry. Patton looked away, Roman tracking the movement. “Oh, I better check on him. You should take a shower sweetie.” Then Patton placed one soft hand on Roman’s cheek and kissed him. Again. On the lips. And then he went to go take care of Thomas.

Roman walked into a wall after that.

“LOGAN!”

Roman burst into Logan’s apartment, sopping wet and tragic. His red sleep shirt was clinging to him, his hair pressed as flat as it could be to his head. Logan startled slightly, choking a bit on his coffee, and then quickly composing himself. “What?”

“I’M IN LOVE!”

Logan frowned as Roman closed the door and collapsed at the table Logan was sitting at, water splattering across it with the ardour of his gesticulations. “With who?”

Roman stared up at him despairingly. “Who do you think? The sun, the moon, the stars themselves - Patton!”

Logan’s frown resolved itself. “Oh. What is the problem?”

At this Roman looked at him in disbelief. “What is the problem? What is the problem? WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?” Roman paused. “He doesn’t love me back, Logan!”

Logan frowned again, trying to dry some of the water Roman had scattered with a napkin. “He doesn’t love you back? Then why are you two in a relationship?”

“We aren’t in a -” Roman propped himself up on his elbows, “wait what.”

Logan adjusted his glasses and rose to get a towel. “You two moved in together. You raise a child together. Not to mention all the looks.”

“What looks?”

“The - hold on.” He tossed the towel onto his back and pulled out a stack of index cards from his pocket and rifled through them. “The - ah, the ‘highkey’ looks of adoring love and affection you exchange when the other isn’t looking.” Logan put the cards away and sat down again. “Did I misinterpret the situation?”

Roman gawked, turning on his side to face him. “Y- yes? He - does - Logan, does Patton… like me?”

Logan shrugged, beginning to dry the table again with the towel. “I manage logic, not romance.” The two sat in a pause of silence while Logan pointedly avoided Roman’s eyes and question until Roman cleared his throat and Logan, on instinct, made eye contact. He caved under his puppy eyes and sighed, pausing in his motions. “If I had to… describe your relationship, I would say that you are boyfriends. With Patton.”

Roman stared at Logan, eyes wide and mouth hanging open. He blubbered. Then, he shot from the table, running right into the door. He didn’t even stop to rub his head as he wrenched open the door and ran back to his apartment.

Patton had just finished putting Thomas down for the night when Roman burst in, forehead red. He looked a bit wild and a lot loud, so Patton preemptively shushed him.

“I just put Thomas down,” Patton whispered. Roman nodded and closed the door, taking deep breaths. Then he sat down on the couch and patted the space next to him.

Patton sat next to him, smiling hesitantly. “What’s wrong honey?”

Roman blanched. Was the nickname too much?

“Well, you see… it’s… that!”

The nickname was too much!

“Oh it was the nickname, wasn’t it? I thought you liked them, but I’ll stop, I promise!”

“No Pat, it’s not the nicknames. It’s… are we in a relationship?”

Patton stopped. “Um… yes?”

“We’re - we’re in a relationship?”

“I mean, I think we are… did I think wrong?” Patton looked away from him now, staring at his hands as he gesticulated. “Because I thought we were taking it slow, but then you kissed me this morning and - should I not have kissed you? I’m so sorry, I -”

Then Roman was kissing Patton and all was right in the world.

“For a god of creativity, specializing in romance and fairytales, I sure was dense,” he murmured.

“You… like me too?” Patton asked, his lips bumping against Roman’s.

“Like you?” Roman asked quietly. Then he stood up, picking Patton up in his arms and twirling him like a princess. “ _Like you?_ I love you!”

Patton giggled loudly, in a way that filled up the room. “I love you too!” Roman set him back down, smiling widely. They kissed again, eyes closed in new love’s bliss.

The only reason they broke apart was because Thomas began to cry. 

“Duty calls,” Roman sighed. “This is the price of parenthood.”

Patton smiled as he went to Thomas’ room, Roman following. “What a wonderful price!” 

In the ensuing weeks after what Logan dubbed Roman and Patton’s ‘get together,’ a pattern formed. It consisted of Roman going out every other morning for work, Patton taking Thomas to school and picking him up. Logan would spend some of his free time at the new couple’s apartment, typically working, though more than once Roman or Patton have walked in on Logan cooing at Thomas and reading him books.

_“Do you see?,” Logan asked him, pointing at a picture in a book. “This is a red, round fruit that is called solanum lycopersicium.”_

_“Sol’num lickaperson.”_

_“Close enough.”_

Each time Logan tried to regain his professional manner and went back to addressing Thomas as ‘infant’ in a way only those fond of Logan could love. Despite his protests, Roman and Patton knew the truth of the matter; Logan was completely in love with their son, as shown by the fact that he shared his Rubix cube.

_“Just because Thomas has rubix cube privilege does not mean you do, Roman,” Logan scolded, taking the cube from Roman with a glare._

_“Alright mom,” Roman muttered bitterly. “It’s not even that fun.”_

_“It is not meant to be fun, it is meant to…” And Logan began another tirade on how a rubix cube was not a toy._

In all, the four of them were quite pleased with their routine, from work to school to rubix cubes, which was why they were in a bit of a fuss one Thursday afternoon when something pointedly Different was happening.

“Did we fluff the pillows?” Roman asked, eyebrows furrowed as he grabbed one and began to fluff it vigorously.

“I don’t know, I don’t know - you wiped down the countertops right?”

“Yes! Yes I did!”

“And you applied the glamour to the windows?”

“More glamorous than Beyonce!” Roman fluffed harder.

“And I swept and mopped and straightened the photos - the fridge! Do we have human food in there?”

“You stocked it last time, remember? You went to the human realm and bought some things from the Wal-Mart.”

Patton nodded, wiping his brow. Although all three of them - Roman, Patton and Logan - had permission to construct portals to the human world and enter it, only Patton had done so. Logan refused to because “The affairs of the human race are no concern of mine,” which Roman found ridiculous since they were all gods of the human race, but who was he to Logic? That was Logan’s department. Meanwhile, Roman had been all too eager to go, even going so far as to conjure a costume featuring a jerkin, doublet, a cloak, and even his own sword! However... Logan said no.

_Logan looked him up and down. “No.”_

_“Why not?” Roman whined, scabbard tapping the ground. “Patton goes!”_

_“Patton doesn’t risk revealing himself. If your clothes won’t give you away, your mannerisms will.”_

_“What do you mean? I used several source materials! I know my way around fashion, Logan, I inspired a lot of it!”_

_“While that is undoubtedly true, you are out of date. The look you are modeling right now is dated to the 16th and 17th centuries. Humans dress like we do now, albeit more gendered._

_Roman pouted. “Fine.” And with a snap he was back in his regular princely uniform. “Can I go like this then?”_

_Logan stared at him. “Correction. Humans dress like Patton and I do - not in a historically inaccurate prince’s costume from an Into the Woods production.”_

_Roman gasped, offended, but then smirked. “What about this?” And with another snap he was dressed exactly like Logan._

_Logan smacked his lips, looking at the change in clothing. “Now you’re just stealing my look.” Roman smiled smugly, which Logan ignored with rolled eyes. “The point is, Roman, that you would cause too much commotion in the human world. It is highly unwise for you to travel there.”_

_Roman snapped back to his regular outfit with much glumness. “Alright mom,” he droned._

“Roman,” Patton approached, hands grasping Roman’s wrists tightly. “I love you, but stop fluffing the pillow.”

Roman stopped fluffing the pillow.

“We need to calm down.” Patton said. “Okay, how do we do that?”

“I don’t know! This is the first time I’ll be interacting with a human!”

“Well not the first -”

“Besides Thomas!” Roman locked his fingers in his own hair. “What should I wear Pat? Apparently my current attire isn’t ‘human appropriate’ - oh I know!” Snap, and Roman was back in Logan’s clothes.

Patton stared. “Well you certainly look… snappy,” Patton punned.

“Who wore it better, me or the nerd?”

“Me.”

The door closed quietly as Logan crossed in front of Roman, arms crossed with a satchel around him. “What did I say about stealing my look?”

“Well, technically you didn’t say -”

Logan’s gaze flattened even more, if possible. “What did I imply then?”

“... Not to.”

“Exactly. If you’re so worried about what to wear, then select an outfit from this book I checked out from the library today.” He opened his bag and handed Roman a copy of “A Modern Human Fashion.”

Roman flicked through it, sufficiently occupied, giving small oohs or appreciative aahs.

“I am on time I gather,” Logan said.

Patton nodded. “Yep! I leave in fifteen minutes.”

“So, to be clear, Thomas is bringing his compatriot Joan home?”

“Yes!”

“And we received clearance to host this child?”

“Yes! You’re the one who got it for us Lo!”

“Indeed, but” Logan adjusted his glasses. “You can never be too sure.”

“Aha!” Roman exclaimed, pointing at a picture in the book. “I have found it! The modern prince’s garment!” And he snapped his fingers again.

Roman had selected smooth black dress pants and a brown leather belt, with a red button-up (buttoned to the top of course) tucked in. He had a black blazer to complete the look, well ironed for something conjured.

“Well? What do you think? Fabulous, is it not?”

Patton was smiling, although strainedly, while Logan was frowning. An altogether foreboding audience.

“You look great, of course!” Patton began.

“But?”

“But it just doesn’t really seem… you. It’s so…” Patton struggled to find the word.

“Professional? Simple? Formal? Understated?” Logan suggested.

“There’s nothing wrong with formal, or understated!” Roman scoffed. “In fact, I find great pleasure in clothes that are not elaborate or detailed or shiny or… pretty,” Roman ended with a longing squeak.

Patton gave him a sympathetic smile. “I’m sure you do Roman, but your style just tends more toward the…”

“Flamboyant? Theatrical? Rakish?” Logan proposed.

“Yeah, that.”

Roman frowned. “Okay you’re right. But apparently this is what princes wear nowadays, and, as a prince, I must keep up-to-date with the fashion.”

Logan frowned again. “What do you mean by that? What was your inspiration?”

Roman shifted on his feet as he handed Logan the book, still open to the picture he was looking at. “Prince Harry,” he mumbled. “I mean, his tastes might be a bit boring but he’s a prince! And if this is what princes are wearing…”

Logan sighed. “That’s what Prince _Harry_ is wearing, Roman. Your being a… prince, is unrelated to your fashion sense. Was Jasmine still a princess when she dressed in commoner’s garb?”

“She was in disguise!”

“But the principle remains the same. Clothing does not make a prince. So please, change into something more… yourself.” Logan held the book out. “Seeing you dressed so properly is disturbing.”

Roman huffed and took it back, flipping through it. “You weren’t so disturbed when I was wearing your clothes.”

“Yes, but you were wearing them ironically. Thus, not disturbing.”

“Ohoho! I’ve got it!”

“For realsies, this time?” Patton asked.

“Yes, for realsies!” For hopefully the last snap, Roman was dressed in a less appropriate but much more suitable outfit, filled with sharp cuts and bright colors and lacy frills. “Surely this is beyond reproach?”

Patton was smiling for real this time, nodding, while Logan stood there dumbstruck, frowning.

Roman sighed, snapping the book closed. “What is it now, Niels Bore?”

“A disturbing thought has occured to me…”

“Is it that I have a better fashion sense than you? Because there is no helping that!”

“Although I beg to disagree, that is not my question.”

Roman groaned. “Just tell me you like the outfit!”

Logan held up a hand. “It is acceptable, but I must clarify: you conjure your clothes, yes?”

“Obviously.”

“And what you conjure is just a product of your imagination, and can be dissolved at the merest thought, implicating it doesn’t truly exist.”

“I know this Logan, don’t forget that I do that for a living.”

“So if what you conjure doesn’t exist, and your clothes are conjured, then are you naked right now?”

Roman turned red.

“Alright!” Patton chirped, eyebrows raised. “I’m going to get Thomas and Joan now, so you two can deal with - this.” Patton quickly exited the room, rubbing at his face. Roman and Logan just stared at each other, silently.

“Alright kids, let me just get the door,” Patton said to Thomas and Joan, who were standing behind him quietly. He pulled out his keys, somehow oblivious to the muffled voices radiating from the apartment. Thomas and Joan exchanged a look.

The door opened to reveal Roman and Logan sitting down on some stools, facing each other in a heated conversation.

“I have not been naked the entire time!”

“Your clothes are fake!”

Roman scoffed. “Just because they are imagined doesn’t mean they’re fake.”

“What do you mean? Are you not aware that imagined means that something that is untrue or unreal is believed to be existed?”

“I - yes, I know what imagined means! I - Listen, I have not been walking around in fake clothes my entire life!”

“That’s it. I am buying you an actual wardrobe.”

Roman gasped. “Don’t you dare!”

“Do you not trust my fashion sense?”

“No! We’ve been over this! No!”

“Hey guys!” Patton butted in, eyes wide as he discreetly tilted his head towards the children. “We’re back!”

Roman and Logan scrambled to stand up, Logan straight and proper, Roman gay and beaming. Patton nodded his approval. “Thomas, would you like to introduce us?”

Thomas nodded and bounded forward, tugging Joan along with him. “These are my dads! I like them more than pizza and cartoons.” He waved his hand in a very Roman gesture. “This is Mr. Sanders, he’s my smart dad, he’s taught me everything! He’s better than Mr. Kingsley.”

“I was a nerd in school,” Logan conceded and stepped forward and held out his hand. “It is a pleasure to meet you Joan. I assume your studies are going well?”

Joan shook his hand, nodding slowly. “Sure?”

“Oh, introduce me next Thomas!” Roman bounced, making Logan frown at him as he took a step back.

“This is Mr. Phillip, he’s really fancy and creative! He colors with me all the time.”

“Greetings Joan! It is an honor to make your acquaintance. I also love Disney,” he said under his breath with a wink.

“He never shuts up,” Logan added.

“You never shut up, nerd,” Roman snarked back.

“Not in front of the kids,” Patton whispered out the corner of his mouth.

“Do they like each other?” Joan asked Thomas. Thomas looked at them thoughtfully.

“I don’t actually know,” he admitted. “Maybe?”

Patton elbowed Roman. 

“Oh, do not fret Joan, for Mr. Sanders and I are deeply endeared to one another!”

Logan sighed. “Yes, despite Mr. Phillip’s eccentricities, I do… tolerate him.”

“Don’t forget me kiddo!” Patton chirped, bouncing.

“Oh yeah! This is Mr. Morgan. He’s the one who told me that I couldn’t throw the Legos at Arnold.”

“Well, it’s better to Lego and forgive than resort to physical violence!”

Joan laughed. “He’s funny.”

“Did you hear that guys? I’m funny!”

“You sure are sweetie,” Roman sapped at him. Patton blushed before turning back to the children.

“Alright, well if you two kiddos need anything, we’ll all be in the kitchen! Have fun!”

Thomas and Joan nodded and then scampered off.

The three of them watched them, mixtures of parental worry and joy in their expressions.

“Do you think they’ll be alright?” Logan asked as they made their way to the kitchen.

“Oh sure!” Patton said as he poured three glasses of orange juice and put some bread in the toaster. “Besides, what’s the worse they can get up to?”

“Well now you’ve cursed them, Patton! Something horrible is bound to happen now!” Roman spluttered as he drank his orange juice, a thought occurring to him. “What if Joan REJECTS Thomas!? Oh that would break his little heart!”

“The heart cannot break, Roman, that is anatomically impossible,” Logan corrected.

“What if they have a spider in the room? I don’t know if I can deal with that,” Patton whispered, eyes huge as he considered the possibilities.

“Oh please. A spider is nothing compared to what’s at the bottom of the ocean.”

The three of them took in that sentence and then, in sync looked around at nothing, minds wandering to the leviathans of the deep. They all jumped when the toast popped up.

“This is all simply preposterous,” Roman said while Patton spread jam on the toast. “I mean, we’re in the same house as them for goodness’s sake!”

Just as that sentence finished, a scream eminanted throughout the apartment. Without a thought to spare, the three gods sped from the kitchen, Roman vaulting over the counter, and into Thomas’ bedroom, where Joan and Thomas stood atop the bed.

“Spider!” Joan yelled, pointing at a corner.

“AH!” Patton screeched and climbed onto Roman’s back, causing the two to sway dangerously for a second. Logan simply sidestepped them and went to the corner, eyes searching. Then he put his foot down. Literally.

“You killed it!” Joan whispered in awe.

“Yes.” Logan adjusted his glasses and turned to Roman, who had regained balance. “Can you hand me a tissue or something, Mr. Phillip?” he asked with a raised eyebrow.

“I don’t have tiss - oh, right.” Roman put his hand in his back pocket, acting like he was looking for tissues when in actuality he conjured them. He pulled them out. “Here.”

“Thank you.” Logan took the tissue and picked up the corpse. “Is that all you two needed?” he asked the children.

Thomas nodded. “Yeah. Thank you Mr. Sanders.”

Logan smiled at him. “It was a pleasure to assist you two, Thomas.”

The three of them went back to the kitchen, Logan tossing the spider in the trash. Roman set Patton down on a stool.

“That was terrifying.” he breathed, hand over his chest.

“It was just a spider Patton,” Roman said.

“Just a - it was a creepy crawly, Roman!”

Roman smiled indulgently. “Sure sweetie.” Patton nodded and handed them their toast. 

Roman scowled after taking a bite. “Okay,” he said, “I have discovered that I don’t like ‘jam.’”

Logan swallowed his and cleared his throat. “This is adequate. Thank you Patton.”

“No problem Lo!”

“Yes, thank you!” Roman added. Patton kissed him on the cheek.

“Think they’ll be alright?”

“Certainly,” Logan assured. “And besides, even if something goes wrong, they have a good set of lungs.”

Logan was right. After the spider threat, the day went swimmingly. Soon enough it was time for Patton to take Joan home. By the time he returned, Logan, Roman and Thomas were all sitting on the couch watching some of those Looney Tunes (Patton had managed to get human channels on his TV).

“So didya have fun Thomas?” Patton asked as he sat down.

Thomas shifted in his seat. “Yeah,” he said, eyes on the TV.

“You sure? ‘Cus you seem a little uncertain there kiddo.”

“I’m just nervous. What if Joan stops liking me?”

“You are overthinking things Thomas,” Logan said, his cool confidence calming him. “You and Joan are at the start of a well-founded friendship. You have common interests, a similar sense of humor, as well as a shared fear of spiders. I am certain you will remain friends for some time.”

“You think so?”

“I know so.”

Thomas hesitated, then smiled. “Okay. I think I just got anxious because Joan’s my best friend.”

“Well don’t let anxiety ever stop you from chasing what you want! Whether that be your dreams or future friends, you must let nothing stand between you and your goals!” Roman advised, back in his princey wear.

Thomas giggled, causing the gods to share a fond look. “Okay Mr. Phillip!”

“Mr. Sanders is right you know. I am positively certain that you and Joan will be friends forever,” Roman said, Logan’s look of disagreement catching his eye. “FOREVER, forever,” he insisted, “And when he and I agree on something, then it is bound to be true. Isn’t that right Mr. Sanders?”

“Well, I didn’t say -”

“ _Isn’t that right?_ ” Roman repeated, Thomas held in front of him so Logan would have to see his hopeful eyes.

Logan sighed. “Yes. On the rare occasions Mr. Phillip and I agree, we are alm - always right. You and Joan will be… friends forever.”

Roman smiled, satisfied. He put Thomas down. “See?” he asked him. Thomas nodded. “Good.”

“Everything’s gonna be just fine kiddo, just you see.” Patton said.

All three of them were right, of course. Everything was going to turn out okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fskjfhrkjdhfreki sorry it took so long!!! but here it is, a glorious new update largely from roman's pov. tune in next time for: shopping trips! milk! and more!  
> please comment they are my lifeblood and i live for them thank you gfdklsglkdf  
> i hope you are having a good time! and remember, if you see any spelling errors, you have permission to shoot me on sight!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading! Comments and kudos are greatly appreciated :D Tell me if I missed any triggers or spelling errors. There's an easter egg for older fanders who've been here since Logan's name reveal, tell me if you catch it!


End file.
